I never wanted to be a mother.
Read that line again, it's the honest to God
truth. Motherhood sounded too selfless, and I had spent my whole life filling
in the missing pieces of broken people. I just wanted to be selfish for a while.
I feel to grow as a human being... honesty is the
best policy. And the truth is...
I am now a mom. Yup, there it is. Read it as much as you need to.
I don't know what changed, or perhaps what
clicked. I got handed a beautiful baby by one of my close friends while
visiting her on her mothering journey and I was sold.
And I was selfish.
Motherhood became a challenge to me, if I had a
kid, what would their childhood look like? I planned it out carefully...
Because by nature I am a planner. I wanted to have kids so that I could give
them what I never had, or seemingly what I felt I never had.
I felt like I got lost in my childhood. There are
certainly good memories. But I remember playing my part as the black sheep. I
just remember wanting someone to look at me and be like, there's nothing wrong
with you.
And so, I began to build this beautifully planned
family in my head. Activities we could do with the kids. How I could fix the
holes laid by my childhood and create a whole new experience for someone else.
I don't think I have failed, but so it goes with
life and kids, things just don't go as planned.
My first born, my miracle baby, Mr. Ryan Robert
Newbold.
Oh how beautiful he was, I wept with everything I
had when he was born. It's hard to describe, mostly because I have nothing to
compare it too. Looking at him just filled me with a light, a glow of sorts. It
felt almost like I had been broken all my life and I was looking at the missing
piece.
I had many complications when I was pregnant with
Ryan. He was a two-vessel umbilical cord, typically babies have 2 arteries and
1 vein. Well, Ryan had 1 artery and 1 vein. Ryan also was inactive on many of
his ultrasounds and tried to come early on numerous occasions. During labor he
seemed distressed and to take some stress off the laboring process I was asked
to labor down. Looking back this seems an odd way to take stress off the
baby…but I digress.
He didn't
cry right away when he was born, he was swept off to be looked over for that
reason. And I felt lost and scared, and then he cried, his big blue eyes looked
at me, and I just knew that he was special and so much better than I could ever
hope to be.
Later on we would notice that he dragged himself
vs crawling...
He was talking... until he wasn't
He walked much later than other kids
We could not take him to gatherings with lots of
people or he would become inconsolable
He didn't answer to his name
He didn't sleep
He wasn't meeting any of his milestones
And everything I had planned came crashing down.
And I took it personally.
My head was filled with questions and limited
answers. What did I do wrong? Did I break my baby? Did I let him watch too much
TV? Did I need to be home more? What were other people doing that I
wasn't?
And of course, looking back at it now, it was
obvious that it wasn't anyone’s fault.
My child was on the Autism Spectrum.
Now remember what I said about honesty.
Well, this is going to sound terrible, but it is
how I felt and thought.
Ryan was diagnosed with Autism at 2. And I
grieved my plans. Life was never going to be what I had wanted it to be. I
wasn't going to get the large birthdays and holiday parties I wanted. It would
be too much for Ryan. While moms are taking their kids to little league and
dance class, Ryan would be going to doctors’ appointments and therapies. While
other people talked about conversations they are having with their kids. I
would be practicing the skills Ryan was learning in therapy with him.
I was mad,
sad, and green with envy of the neurotypical families.
Looking back now I think I had to grieve to grow.
I have started doing research about different programs and therapies that may help him
navigate the world. I talk to everyone I can about Ryan, the world
needs to learn how to navigate with him. Everyone deserves to have a seat at
the table. And unfortunately for Ryan and those on the spectrum, the
world struggles with inclusion.
Ryan is
here and he is mine. What could be better than that?
It's about navigating the world of Autism and
letting everyone see that there are empty spots at every table… those spots are waiting
to be filled by Ryan and others on the spectrum.
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