Welcome to the Mess

 

Life has not been easy. I have had to teach myself how to cope with the downs all my life.

I unusually grew up to be a semi-medium well-adjusted adult. Have no idea how that happened.

But here we are…

I do tend to utilize the concept of TREAT YOURSELF, a little too much.

But all my life I wanted to help other souls like mine. Souls that were wandering, and just looking for acceptance and love. It's why I became a Social Worker. I remember watching Mr. Rogers neighborhood and him saying, "Look for the helpers." And I wanted to be just that, a helper.

I can only imagine the thoughts that went through my clients’ heads as they would walk into my office and see me, a wacky 20 something year old. I had multicolored hair, Star Wars memorabilia, and Harry Potter wands. How can a mess help a mess? Don't two messes make a bigger mess? The best answer I have for that and have utilized in my work and home life is that all people are messes. We all have quirks, worries, fears, and struggles. Some messes are just more organized, like a junk drawer in a house.

I tell myself this every day as a mother. As I look at the walls with scattered sharpie marks, as Ryan runs by singing bits and pieces of Old McDonald and Conner crawls on all fours saying he’s a tiger. And as I rub out the Dorito dust and pizza sauce Ryan just wiped into my hair.

I tell myself this when I take part in Ryan’s home therapies, and as I repeat the skills and assist him through the struggles of home schooling.

Being a mother, when all you’ve ever felt like is a mess is hard and then adding in all the other intrusive thoughts that come along with being a parent with a child on the spectrum and with special needs, let me tell you… it’s wild.

I can’t even begin to describe our journey and daily life to you. Ryan was diagnosed at 2 and from then on he has been doing some sort of therapy every day of his life. Ryan was essentially working a full-time job.

ABA

Physical Therapy

Speech Therapy

Occupational Therapy

WE THREW EVERYTHING BUT THE BOOK AT HIM.

And he excelled… until he didn’t.

 

We did eventually discuss with his ABA center that he had hit a plateau and he wasn’t improving anymore, so we gradated him and attempted regular school. But at orientation the school seemed lost on what to do with Ryan. I felt safer homeschooling him and incorporating home therapies that Ryan may enjoy. And at this point I would like to stress thisà Never feel bad for doing what you feel is right for your child. Will I homeschool Conner, no I won’t. Conner can advocate for himself, in fact he’s a little too good at it, I guess that’s what happens when you have a social worker as a mom and she encourages you to, “use your words.” But Ryan, it takes a very patient and understanding person with good supports to provide him the education and care that he needs, and in this day and age teachers don’t have the support that they need. And Ryan getting pushed into a corner and left behind, well if I can prevent that, then I will.  

This steers the conversation toward Autistic burnout. Which is a very real thing. Autistic burnout results from chronic life stress and a mismatch of expectations and abilities. And it was the last thing that Ryan needed, and I feel like with all the therapies and doctors’ appointments Ryan was starting to drag. Getting him out of bed and getting him to sleep got worse. Getting him to get ready to go in the morning took hours upon hours. He seemed more distressed.

 So, it was time to try something new.

 Ryan didn’t need a repeat of more therapy. I do wholeheartedly believe ABA helps with certain things, but Ryan never got to be a child. So currently he is doing just that. He receives music therapy and is getting homeschooled as well. I have gotten to spend more time with Ryan between homeschooling and him just being home more. I feel like he is thriving, and on top of that I have gotten to know him even more than I did before.

Ryan inherited his father’s math skills. Thank God! Because I am lacking in that department. Ryan already deals with fractions, and we have downloaded several math applications onto his tablet for him, in a couple years he may be doing our taxes. Ryan also likes to read and he’s amazing with science! I do think that if Ryan had to pick a career, he would be a zoologist. That boy knows and loves his animals. I try to make sure we take many trips to the zoo for this reason.

Ryan can talk, but it’s not a conversation, most of the time it’s one word. So, conversations with Ryan look very different… but they do happen.

Ryan is so expressive. He dances, he smiles, he rolls his eyes, and pouts. And he sings, oh that boy does sing. Normally our conversations are me talking and Ryan making faces or singing different tunes to me. It’s an amazing thing to experience. And if he grabs your face and squeals at you, well you may have just won him over.

 And to think that I get to experience it every day.

Ryan loves music. Thank goodness for music therapy. Ryan actually enjoys it and he does seem receptive to music. He loves to watch old musicals, one of our go to musicals is, “Singing in the Rain.” But Ryan also loves him some Barbara Streisand. What can I say, he’s an old soul.

I guess the point of this post is, a mess can absolutely help a mess. And if you feel like a mess, well… welcome to the stinkin club!

 I’m a mess and Ryan can be a little bit of a mess. But it is in part easier for a mess to recognize a bigger mess in the making. Every day I am glad that I am the mess that I am, because I took one look at Ryan and was able to see that he needed a reset. And part of being just a mom in general, is being able to look at your kid and know in your heart what they are telling you with no words.

And as an autism mom or a mother of a person with autism, whichever wording you prefer, we certainly need to look out for each other and identify what messes need cleaning and which messes are just necessary every day messes.

 Autism isn’t always pretty but Ryan sure is beautiful, and I’ll never stop trying to get people to see that.